


Another Boy In Her Room

by my_mad_fatuation



Series: A Boy In Her Room [4]
Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-09
Updated: 2016-12-09
Packaged: 2018-09-07 10:53:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8798050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/my_mad_fatuation/pseuds/my_mad_fatuation
Summary: It's the spring term of her second year at uni, and Rae has made a new friend who gives her doubts about her relationship with Finn.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry that this part gets so weird, but I assure you it is not the end of the series.

There was another boy in her room.

This was unprecedented for Rae. No boy except Finn had ever been in her room, not even Archie or Chop, except when they helped her move in. But the lads had taken over the lounge to watch football, and Izzy had taken over the kitchen table with her art project, so there was nowhere for Rae and Charles to work on their presentation for class together.

They’d ended up in the same Media Studies seminar in the spring term. When they discovered this on their first day of class after the holidays, they sat next to each other, as they had become friends—or friend-ish—over the past few months of living as neighbours.

She couldn’t say the same for his housemate, though, whose name Rae now knew but refused to use so as not to allow him an identity besides “the prick next door.” He was still an asshole—some things never change—but didn’t direct it so much at Rae and her friends anymore, since he no longer had a partner in crime.

“So how should we do this?” Rae asked, standing awkwardly in the middle of the room.

“What do you mean?” said Charles. He was standing next to her desk with his arms crossed.

“Like… where do we sit?” She realized the question was stupid as soon as she said it.

“I dunno,” he said, “this is your room. You tell me.”

Rae didn’t really think she wanted Charles sitting on any of her furniture, which she knew was ridiculous, considering the furniture came rented with the room and probably had way grosser people on it before. Not that he was gross, per se, but she still felt weird about having him there.

“I guess you can take the desk chair,” she said as she took a seat on the edge of her bed.

He wheeled the desk chair towards her before sitting in it, which she thought was strange. He could have just sat at the desk, but this way he had to balance his laptop on his knees.

“All right,” he said, “ _Gendered Camera Conventions and the Male Gaze in Film_. What the fuck does that mean?”

“Did you not do the reading?” she said.

“I did, but I don’t get how a camera can be gendered. It’s a camera.”

“It’s about the way the camera is used. Like how when a female character is introduced in a film, often the camera pans up from her legs, so you see her body first before you see her face.”

“Oh, yeah,” he said. “I never understood why that was a thing. But it’s, like, objectification, right?”

“Right.”

“So it sort of assumes that the viewer is male, then?”

“Yeah, or at least it forces the viewer into a male perspective,” she said. “So women end up seeing themselves as objects as well.”

“That’s pretty fucked up.”

***

“Okay, well, I should get going,” Charles said once he and Rae had finished preparing their presentation for Media Studies. He put his laptop in his bag and pushed the chair back towards the desk.

“Yeah, I guess that’s it, then,” said Rae.

“We are going to kick this presentation’s ass,” he added, putting up his fist.

Rae fist-bumped him apprehensively. “Totes…” she said.

She started to walk him out, but stopped when she got to the bottom of the stairs and noticed that Finn had joined the lads in the lounge—he was home earlier than she was expecting, but it was a new term and she hadn’t memorized his schedule yet.

“All right, girl,” he said when he saw her. “Where’ve you been?”

“Just working on a presentation with Charles, here,” she said, pointing at her co-presenter with her thumb.

“Hey, how’s it going?” Charles said.

Finn didn’t look too enthused to see him there. He was still wary of both of the next-door neighbours, even though Charles had apologized to everyone for his past behaviour, including him.

“Fine,” he said tersely.

“Okay, well, I’ll see you Thursday,” Rae said to Charles, escorting him to the front door.

“Yeah, later, Rae,” he said as he touched her on the arm before leaving.

She returned to the lounge where she sat next to Finn, who put his arm around her.

“What’s the presentation for?” he asked.

“Media Studies,” she replied.

“I didn’t realize he was in that class with you…”

“I thought I’d mentioned it,” she said. “It doesn’t really matter, does it?”

“No, of course not. I was just curious.”

“Could you guys take this conversation somewhere else?” Chop said. “We’re trying to watch the game, here.”

“Yeah, all right,” said Finn, getting up and heading towards his room.

Rae followed him, giving Chop a rude gesture with her hand when he started whistling at them. She shut the door once she got to Finn’s room, and he immediately started to get undressed.

“Whoa, what’s happening right now?” she asked.

“I was thinking of going for a run,” he said as he pulled on a long-sleeve t-shirt.

“But it’s cold out,” she said.

“Running keeps you warm,” he said. “You should join me.”

“Hah!” she laughed. “I don’t think so.”

“Come on, why not?”

“I don’t run.”

“It’s a good way to clear your head,” he said as he put on his joggers.

“My head’s all clear, thanks.”

“Why don’t you like doing things with me?”

“I like doing things with you!”

“All that we do together is watch TV and have sex.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing,” she said.

“I just think there’s more to life than that,” he said. “I want us to do more than that.”

“Like running?”

“As an example.”

“I’m sorry,” she said, “but you are never going to catch me running. When the zombie apocalypse happens, I’m just going to be eaten.”

“Fine, just… Fine.” He gave her a peck on the lips before walking out the door.

***

“High five,” Charles said to Rae, holding his hand in the air as they walked out of their Media Studies class.

She clapped her hand against his without enthusiasm.

“You don’t seem very pleased that we just rocked that presentation,” he said.

“No, I am,” she said unconvincingly.

“We should get drinks to celebrate.”

“It’s barely even lunch time.”

“Then we’ll get lunch, too,” he said, patting her hard on the shoulder. “Day-drinking for the win!”

“You’re kind of a nerd, aren’t you?” she said, but she followed him to the on-campus pub anyway.

“Cheers,” he said once they’d gotten their drinks, raising his glass towards her.

“Cheers,” she said as she clinked her glass to his.

“We should definitely work on any group assignments together from now on,” he added. “We totally nailed it.”

“I doubt there will be many more group assignments in this course,” she said.

“Then we should revise for exams together,” he said. “This stuff makes so much more sense when you explain it to me, anyway.”

“All right, if you want…”

“I think we make a good team,” he continued.

“Sure…”

“You don’t think so?”

“I don’t know,” she said. “I’m used to working alone.”

“But don’t you find that you understand and remember the concepts better when you discuss them with someone? I can be that someone.”

“I guess.”

“We’re doing this, Rae,” he said. “We’re a team.” He clinked their glasses again.

***

Rae took the bus home with Charles, though they went into their respective houses when they got there. Finn was waiting for her inside the front door.

“I saw you coming from the window in my room,” he told her as way of explanation. “I thought you were going to be home an hour ago, though.”

“I stopped to get lunch,” she said.

“With Charles?”

“Yeah, so?”

“I thought your presentation was over.”

“It was,” she said. “We were celebrating.”

“Fine. Whatever.”

“Why are you in a mood today?”

“I’m not in a mood,” he snapped. He rubbed his forehead with his hand. “Sorry, I just… I’m pissed off because I just failed an assignment.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” She tried to stroke his arm reassuringly.

“It’s not the first thing I’ve failed in this term, either.”

“I didn’t know…”

“I’m guessing you also didn’t know that I almost didn’t pass one of my courses last term,” he said.

“No… You never told me any of this before.”

“Well, there you have it. I suck.” He turned and headed back to his room, and she followed him.

“Come on, you don’t suck,” she said, patting him on the back once he’d flopped onto his stomach on the bed. “Do you want me to help you?”

“No!” he said loudly into his pillow. “I don’t want to associate you with my failure.”

“Okay, well, maybe somebody could help you?”

He turned his face to speak to her directly. “Like who?”

“Isn’t there like a student tutoring program through the library?” she said. “Upper year students that help lower year students with their coursework and revision and stuff.”

“I think so…”

“Maybe that would be beneficial to you…?”

“You won’t… think I’m stupid?” he asked.

“For asking for help when you need help? No, I think that’s smart.”

“Okay, I’ll look into it…”

Lying down next to him, she bumped his nose with hers. “Good.”

***

“How did your thing go?” Rae asked Finn when he came into the kitchen where she and the lads were eating lunch.

“What thing?” said Archie.

“Oh, uh…” Rae began, not sure if Finn wanted them to know.

“I met with a tutor at the library,” Finn said nonchalantly as he sat down.

“Yeah?” said Chop. “I’m doing that, too!”

“Are you?” Rae said.

“Yeah, I’m pretending that I’m failing Statistics so I can keep seeing my tutor,” he said. “She is well fit.”

“What?”

“The tutors are all these cute, nerdy upper year girls who’ve got that sexy librarian thing going on,” he explained.

“That’s… not why I’m going,” said Finn.

“Who’s your tutor?” Chop asked him.

“Uh, Denise.”

“Oh, yeah. She is proper fit, too,” he said.

Rae scowled at him.

“Like I said,” Finn added, “that’s not why I’m going. I legitimately need the help.”

“But it doesn’t hurt, does it, Finn?” said Chop, giving him a nudge.

“Excuse me,” Rae said. “I’m right here.”

“I’m not saying anything’s going to happen,” he said.

“Still, you’re acting like it’s a selling point that she’s hot.”

“Wouldn’t you be more motivated to study if Chris Whatshisname from those comic book movies was tutoring you?”

“What?”

“I don’t know, somebody you think is hot, then!”

“Whatever,” she said, folding her arms. “Study with the sexy librarian tutor if you want.”

“Chop’s the one who called her that,” said Finn. “I honestly couldn’t care less about her.”

“It’s fine,” said Rae as she got up from her seat. “I’ll make you some lunch.”

***

Rae, who’d been reading a book on her e-reader, was startled when there was a knock on her bedroom door. “It’s open,” she said loudly to be heard through the door.

It was not Chloe on the other side, as she had suspected, but Charles, who walked into her room and frowned at her. “Aren’t we studying today?” he asked as he shut the door behind him.

She sat upright quickly, as she felt weird lying in bed with him standing there. “Oh, shit, it’s Tuesday, isn’t it?”

“Yeah… You weren’t in class, though, so I wasn’t sure if we were still on…”

“Sorry, yeah, I just, I completely forgot,” she said. “Come on in, I guess.”

She swung her legs over the edge of the bed, while he pulled the desk chair over and took a seat. He propped his legs up on the end of her bed as he opened his laptop.

She got up and stood in front of him. “Sorry,” she added, pointing towards her desk, “I just need to get my computer.”

“Oh, sorry,” he said, and put his legs down so she could get past him to her desk.

She returned to her bed with her laptop and textbook, and he put his legs back up. “So I think the test is going to cover everything we’ve done so far,” she said as she opened the book.

“Before we start, can I ask you something?” he said, looking up from his computer.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Don’t take this the wrong way or anything, but, like, why are you with Finn, of all people?” he asked.

“You mean because he’s so fit and I’m a fat cow?” she said, not sure that there was any other way to take it.

“No! I didn’t mean it like that—I just mean you’re so different. Personality-wise.”

“What are you talking about?”

“He likes going out and playing football and getting high, and you like staying in on your computer,” he said.

“Are you saying I’m too boring?”

“No, I like staying in on my computer, too,” he said. “I just don’t see what you and Finn have in common, that’s all.”

“We have lots in common!” she said defensively. “We like some of the same music and TV shows, for example.”

“That’s… a bit superficial, isn’t it?”

“And we love each other!”

“All right, sorry I mentioned anything,” he said. “Let’s just get down to it, then, shall we?”

***

“Let’s get down to it, shall we?” he said as he pulled his shirt off over his head.

Rae leaned back on her elbows as she watched him approach. “What if someone hears us?” she said.

“Everyone else is out,” he replied before crawling up the bed towards her.

“Still, I feel kind of weird about this.” She let herself fall back against the pillow as he got on top of her.

“There’s nothing weird about it.”

“But what about Finn?”

“Forget him,” he said, and then he kissed her.

***

Rae was a little stressed out. That was the third sexy dream she’d had about Charles in as many weeks, only this time it was different; this time she’d mentioned Finn in the dream. At least when she never mentioned him in the dream, she could tell herself that it was really supposed to be Finn and her brain just mixed up their faces, but this time she knew it definitely wasn’t him.

“What’s wrong?” Finn asked her at lunch the next day. They’d agreed to meet on campus between her morning class and his afternoon class.

“What? Nothing,” she said. “Nothing’s wrong.”

“You look like you’re worried about something.”

“Nope, just… tired.”

“Didn’t sleep well?”

“Not really,” she said.

“I’m sorry. Did you want to just go home and rest?”

“No, I want to hang out with you.”

“Okay,” he said. “Just, you’re allowed to rest if you want. I won’t be offended.”

“Thank you, but I’m fine.”

“Finn, hi!”

Rae looked up and saw a pretty young woman standing next to their table, putting her hand on Finn’s shoulder.

“Hi,” he said stiffly.

“How are you?” the woman asked.

“Good,” he replied. “I’m just having lunch… Oh, this is Rae,” he added, pointing to Rae. “Rae, this is Denise, my tutor.”

“Hi, nice to meet you,” said Denise.

“Yeah, hi,” said Rae.

“Finn, I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?”

“Yeah, tomorrow,” he said with a nod.

Denise smiled at him, and then at Rae. “All right, take care, guys.”

“So,” Rae said once Denise had left, “that’s your tutor.”

“Yep,” said Finn.

“She’s pretty.”

“I guess.”

“Why didn’t you tell her I was your girlfriend?” she asked.

“She knows you’re my girlfriend,” he said. “I told her I had a girlfriend named Rae, and now she knows you’re Rae, so I’m sure she put two and two together.”

“Still, you could have said, ‘This is Rae, my girlfriend.’”

“Do you want me to just wear a t-shirt with your face on it so everyone knows and I don’t have to remember to tell them?” he said.

“You don’t have to be snide about it.”

“I was just teasing. Jeez.”

“Maybe I should go rest,” she said after a minute. “I’m too tired to deal with this right now.”

“Deal with what?” he asked.

“You.”

***

Rae could hear the television before she even opened the front door of the house, it was so loud.

“What the hell are you watch—” she began as she walked into the lounge, though she stopped when she noticed Chloe lying on the sofa.

With Charles on top of her.

“Whoa!” Rae said, averting her eyes. She could hear rustling as they hurried to sit upright and turned down the television before she looked at them again.

“Rae!” said Chloe, smoothing out her hair. “I thought you were having lunch with Finn.”

“I… I decided to come home to rest…” said Rae. “What are you two…?”

“I just, uh, came over to see if you wanted to study again for the quiz tomorrow,” said Charles as he scratched the back of his head nervously. “But you, uh, you weren’t here, so…”

“You know this is a common space, right?” Rae added. “It means we all share it. It means you shouldn’t have sex in it.”

“We weren’t having sex, Rae. Jesus,” said Chloe.

“I… need to lie down. You two can… do whatever you want, I don’t care.”

Rae stomped up the stairs to her room and belly-flopped onto her bed. She let out a frustrated groan into her pillow and tried to keep herself from screaming.

Next thing she knew, there was a knock at the door and Chloe came in.

“Hey, babes,” she said, sitting on the edge of the bed. “Is something wrong?”

“I’m just tired,” said Rae, turning her face away.

“Look, I’m sorry I was making out in a _common space_ , all right?” said Chloe. “I didn’t realize it would bother you so much.”

“That’s not why I’m bothered. I mean, I’m not bothered. It’s fine.”

“Did you have a fight with Finn?”

“Oh my god!” Rae rolled onto her back so she could look at her friend. “Why would you think that?”

“Just, you were supposed to be having lunch with him, but instead you’re home and you’re upset and—”

“I’m not upset, I’m just tired.”

“You seem upset.”

“I just wasn’t expecting… that,” said Rae.

“You weren’t expecting what?”

“You… and Charles.”

Chloe frowned at her. “Is that what this is about?”

“It’s just, he’s my friend, okay?” Rae said.

“Okay…” Chloe didn’t seem to see the problem with that.

“I mean, he’s _my_ friend. Mine. Can’t I just have anything that’s mine?”

“I can’t make out with him because he’s _your_ friend?” she asked incredulously. “You don’t own him. You don’t have dibs on him.”

“I know that!”

“Rae, he and I are both adults and we’re both single; we can do whatever we want.”

“Fine!”

“You can’t just lick one cupcake and stick your finger in another!”

“Ew, what?”

“You have Finn, all right? You can’t claim Charles, too, just because he’s _your_ friend.”

“I wasn’t—”

“I’m sorry if you have a crush on him or whatever—”

“I do not have a crush on him,” said Rae. “I’m in love with Finn!”

“Then I don’t see the problem, Rae!” said Chloe.

“There is no problem—Just go back to him!”

“He left.”

“That’s not my fault!”

“Rae…”

Rae had rolled away onto her side, mostly so that Chloe wouldn’t be able to tell that she was trying really hard not to cry. She had no reason to be crying. Chloe was right; she had no claim to him. She had no right to be jealous.

But she was jealous.

“Rae…” Chloe repeated, softer this time. She was lying down next to her friend, now, and put her hand on Rae’s shoulder. “Rae, just tell me what’s really bothering you.”

“It’s stupid,” Rae said, choking back tears.

Chloe stroked her back. “It’s not stupid. Tell me.”

“Look, you know I love Finn, right? That hasn’t changed.”

“I know.”

“It’s just… I thought… I thought he liked me…”

“Who? Finn?”

Rae shook her head.

“Oh… Oh, babes…” said Chloe. “He’s your friend, isn’t he? Of course he likes you.”

“No, I mean… The way he tried to convince me that Finn wasn’t right for me,” Rae said. “It seemed like… maybe he was jealous of Finn. Which, now that I say it out loud, sounds even stupider than I thought.”

“It’s not stupid, Rae.”

“Don’t tell anyone I said any of this, please.”

“I won’t. I promise.”

***

“Feeling better?”

“What?” Rae asked, looking over at Charles sitting next to her. She hadn’t been paying attention and didn’t realize he was there at first.

“Are you feeling better?” he repeated. “It seemed like you weren’t feeling very well yesterday.”

“I’m fine, really.”

“Look, I’m… I’m sorry about what happened,” he said.

“Why are you sorry?” she asked as she looked down at the table in front of her.

“That you found me and Chloe like that… In a common space and all…”

“It’s fine,” she said. “I’m just sorry I didn’t feel like studying yesterday.”

“That’s okay,” he said. “I didn’t really need it, I was just bored and thought I’d hang out.”

“With Chloe?”

“With you.”

“But Chloe found you first, huh?”

“I guess… It’s not like I was planning on—”

“You know what? It really doesn’t matter, so…” she said.

“So you’re not mad at me?” he said.

“Why would I be mad at you?”

“I dunno… It just seemed like you were mad.”

“I’m not.”

“All right.”

“If anything, I’m mad at Finn,” she grumbled, though she immediately regretted it.

“Oh?”

“Nothing, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Okay, but, you know, you can tell me if you want.”

She let out a sigh of frustration. “It’s just, he didn’t tell his pretty tutor that I was his girlfriend,” she said. “I mean, he claims he did tell her, but he didn’t tell her when I was sitting there, so I don’t know.”

“And you think there’s something going on between him and the tutor?” Charles asked.

“No!” Rae said quickly. “Probably not, anyway. Just, she’s really pretty, and he agrees that she’s really pretty, and he didn’t say that I was his girlfriend when he introduced us.”

“I’m sorry…”

“Why are you sorry?”

“I’m sorry that guys are dicks…?”

“Thanks.”

“Well, I think the quiz is going to start soon,” he said. “But do you want to get drinks after to celebrate kicking this quiz’s ass?”

She chuckled a little. “Sure.”

***

“I thought we were going to get drinks,” Rae said to Charles as he headed for the bus stop after class.

“We are,” he said. “I’ve got a ton of beer at my place; it’s cheaper than going out.”

“Oh. Okay…”

She was hesitant to go with him, as she’d never been into his house before, but when they got off the bus, she followed him there. It was almost like she was just going home, except she stopped one door before hers.

“Is your, uh, housemate going to be here?” she asked as he unlocked the door.

“He’s in class right now,” he replied.

“I’m surprised he actually goes to his classes,” she said.

“He’s like a straight-A student, honestly.”

“You’re joking.”

“I wish I was. You’d think with his brains he’d actually use them from time to time.”

Rae laughed.

The mess didn’t surprise her when she got inside—she lived with three boys, after all—but she had to move a mostly empty pizza box to sit on the sofa in the lounge.

Charles disappeared into the kitchen and returned with a couple cans of beer, handing one to her. “Cheers,” he said as he held up his own.

“Cheers,” she replied, and tapped her can against his.

“So, look,” he said before taking a sip, “if you want to talk about anything…”

“Like what?” she asked innocently.

“Like complaining about this pretty tutor or anything… I’m here.”

“There’s not much to say. She’s pretty and he’s pretty and they would be pretty together. That’s it.”

“What? You think he’d rather be with her?”

“You said yourself that we have nothing in common.”

“What about your music and TV shows?” he said.

“Yeah, but I don’t like going for runs or playing video games, and he doesn’t like reading or… I don’t even have enough hobbies for him to not like!” she said. “Reading is literally it. Just various forms of reading. That’s all I enjoy.”

“What about your TV shows?”

“Okay, that, too. Reading, watching TV, and having sex; that’s all I like doing, and he says that’s not enough.”

“Jesus,” he muttered, taking a longer sip of his drink.

“Sorry, but… It’s true, isn’t it?” she said. “That’s not enough.”

“Well, I don’t know—”

“But maybe I don’t really have a choice, do I?” she continued after taking a big swig of beer. “Because I probably have more in common with you than I have with him, but he’s the one who’s willing to fuck me, so I’m kind of locked in, aren’t I?”

“What are you talking about?”

“I… I don’t even know, anymore…”

The two of them fell silent for several minutes before Charles spoke up. “If you aren’t happy with him, then you shouldn’t be with him.”

“I am happy, I think,” she said. “It’s better than being alone, right?”

“Being alone isn’t so bad,” he said.

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean—”

“I know… But if fear of being alone is the only thing keeping you together, that doesn’t sound healthy, does it?” he added. “Besides, you can always find someone else. Someone you have more in common with.”

“Where am I even going to find someone like that?”

He shrugged. “I like reading,” he said quietly. “And watching TV. And obviously I like… Never mind.”

“What are you saying?” she asked.

“I’m saying you’re right; we have a lot in common, so…”

“So, what?”

“So… this is where you could find someone like that…”

She looked at him skeptically. “You mean… you?”

“For example…”

“But you were going to hook up with Chloe,” she said.

“Because you’ve got a boyfriend and she hasn’t!”

“And if I didn’t…?”

“Rae… Don’t—”

“No, I didn’t think so,” she said as she set her beer on the nearby bookshelf and stood up.

“Why are you leaving?” he asked, standing as well.

“Because I feel like you’re making fun of me!”

“I’m not making fun of you.”

“You think it’s fun to flirt with the fat girl so she’ll help you study for exams, but it’s okay because she has a boyfriend so you won’t have to actually do anything.”

“That’s not what this is.”

“Then explain it to me, because I don—” She stopped midsentence as he planted his lips on hers. Probably to shut her up, she thought. (Finn had done that enough times.)

She kissed him back for a moment before pushing him away—she hadn’t had a kiss that thrilling since her first ones with Finn over a year ago.

“I can’t do this,” she said. “I have Finn…”

“You’re not happy with him, are you?” he asked. “If you were, you wouldn’t be here with me, right?”

“I am, though. I am happy. I think,” she said. “I—I have to go.”

***

By the time Rae got to her house next door, Finn was waiting for her in the doorway of his room.

“How long have you been standing there?” she asked when she came inside.

“I saw you coming from my window,” he said seriously. “In fact, I saw you coming twenty minutes ago, but then you never showed up.”

“Okay…”

“Why were you at his house?”

“We were just hanging out, jeez.” She was coming across too defensive; she had to tone it down.

He motioned for her to follow him into his room. “I don’t like that you hang out with him all the time,” he said.

“Well I don’t like that you hang out with your sexy librarian, but we’ve both gotta deal with it.”

“I don’t _hang out_ with Denise; she tutors me.”

“So when she saw you at lunch the other day, that was the first time you’ve seen her outside of the library?” she asked.

“Yes.”

“Really?”

“Yes!”

“She just seemed awfully friendly. And you didn’t tell her I was your girlfriend.”

“Because I thought it was obvious!” he said. “You were sitting right there!”

“I thought you said you’d told her about me before…?”

He grabbed the front of his hair and tugged on it in frustration. “Okay, so I lied about that. But still, it was obvious when she saw us there together.”

“No, Finn, it’s not obvious,” she said. “When people see us together, they don’t automatically think boyfriend and girlfriend. They think handsome bloke and fat loser.”

“Rae…”

“It’s true, though. It’s not like we’re affectionate in public. People don’t know that we’re together unless we tell them.”

“Every time I try to hold your hand in public, you pull away!” he said. “So you’re the one with the problem, not me.”

“I know…”

“Then why are you getting mad at me about this?”

“I’m not mad at you,” she said solemnly. “I’m mad at myself, but I’m taking it out on you.”

“Why are you mad at yourself?”

“Finn, are you happy being with me?”

“Of course I am.”

“But you complained that we don’t do enough together.”

“I didn’t mean I wasn’t happy,” he said. “…Are you happy?”

“I think so…”

“You think so?”

“I’m not sure I know what happy is, you know?” she said.

He shook his head. “No, I don’t know.”

“Maybe I don’t want to be happy, when it comes down to it… Like maybe I don’t feel I deserve it…”

“What are you talking about?”

She took a deep breath. “I kissed Charles today,” she said.

He stared at her blankly for a moment. “What?”

“I didn’t mean to,” she added, “but I didn’t stop it from happening, either, ‘cause I don’t know if I really wanted to stop it.”

“Why are you telling me this?” he asked with his arms folded tightly.

“I don’t want to be in a relationship that’s built on lies.”

“Or you just don’t want to be in a relationship with me.”

“I don’t think that’s true.”

“You don’t think…”

“I don’t know what I want anymore!” she said, massaging her forehead.

“If you wanted me, you wouldn’t be kissing some other guy, would you?” he said angrily.

“I told you, I didn’t mean to!”

“And yet you did it anyway!”

“I’m sorry, but I—”

“No. There’s no ‘but’ after ‘I’m sorry,’ all right? You’re either sorry or you’re not, and I think I can guess which,” he said. “I can’t be with you if you’re not going to be all in.”

“I want to be all in, Finn, I do, I just…” She sighed. “I don’t think I can…”

“Then I’m sorry.”

“What does that mean?”

He kept his arms folded. “It means we’re done.”

***

Rae couldn’t understand why something that felt like it was such a long time coming could hurt so much. She spent the entire weekend in her room crying—she didn’t even come downstairs to eat, she just had Izzy bring her the bare minimum to sustain her: water and soda crackers, like she was ill.

She skipped her Monday and Tuesday classes as well, but she had a quiz on Wednesday that she couldn’t afford to miss.

She snuck out the back door again so she wouldn’t have to walk past Finn’s room, and once again she ran into Charles bringing in the bins next door.

“Are you just always doing that?” she asked impatiently.

“Someone has to,” he said. “Yours are still out there, by the way.”

“Thanks, I’ll get right on that.”

“Hold on,” he added, grabbing her sleeve. “You weren’t in class yesterday. What’s going on?”

“Um, I wasn’t feeling well,” she said.

“Flu?”

“Yeah, breakup-fluenza.”

He raised his eyebrows in surprise. “You broke up?”

“Thanks to you, yeah, we did.”

“Thanks to me?”

“Like an idiot, I told him about the kiss, because I thought honesty was important in relationships, but apparently I wasn’t ‘all in’ enough for him,” she said.

“I’m sorry,” he said as he let go of her sleeve.

“Are you really?”

“Yes…?” he said uncertainly. “I mean, if you’re upset about it, then yeah, I’m sorry.”

“Of course I’m upset about it! He was my first boyfriend! My first love! And now he’s…” She pressed her palms into her eyes to try and stop herself from crying in front of him.

“Nobody stays with their first love forever, Rae,” he said, like he was trying to be comforting.

“I’m never going to find someone like him again.”

“Not exactly like him, no. You’re going to find someone better.”

Rae couldn’t imagine anyone better than Finn. How could she have let him slip away like that?

“Rae?” he said, tugging on her sleeve again. “Do you wanna hang out with me?”

“I have to go write a quiz now—”

“I mean tonight. Do you wanna come over?”

“Oh. Maybe.”

“He’s going to a birthday party,” he added, gesturing towards the house to indicate that he meant his housemate. “So if you came over after ten, you’d miss him.”

“All right…” She thought it was weird that he was still holding her sleeve.

“All right.” He smiled at her and gave her a peck on the cheek before letting her go.

***

Rae kept an eye out from her bedroom window around ten o’clock at night to see when the prick next-door left for the evening before she headed over there.

“Where’re you off to this time of night, m’dear?” Chop asked as she walked through the lounge towards the front door.

“I’m just… going next-door for a bit,” she said.

“Next-door?” he said. “Why?”

“I’m hanging out with Charles, okay?”

“Rae,” said Archie, “you just broke up with Finn last week.”

“So? I’m allowed to have a social life.”

“All right, fine, just—You know, you’re an adult, so, do what you like,” he said.

“Thanks, Arch.”

She walked quickly past Finn’s bedroom, which was closed, and out the front of the house, hopping over a hedge to get next-door faster.

Charles seemed surprised to see her when he answered the door. “It’s only just ten now,” he said, looking like he was trying not to laugh.

“Oh, sorry,” said Rae, embarrassed. “I saw him leave, so I thought…”

“Were you just watching waiting for him to leave so you could come over?”

“No…”

“That’s so cute.”

“Shut up.”

He smiled like he was only teasing. “Come on in,” he said, stepping aside to let her past him.

The place was tidier than the last time she was there, probably because he was expecting to have her over this time. As she sat down on the sofa—with no pizza boxes—she realized she had no idea what she was doing there.

He brought her a drink and sat down next to her. “So…” he said. “Do you want to talk about anything?”

“Like what?” she asked, spinning the can slowly between her hands.

“Like what happened with you and Finn.”

“Nothing happened; we just broke up.”

“That’s not nothing. You missed classes because of it.”

“Yeah, but I’m over it now,” she said.

“You are?”

“Yep.” She took a sip of her beer.

“So, you’re fine with it, then?”

“Absolutely.”

They sat in silence for a moment before Charles added, “Do you want to watch the latest _Thor_ film? I pirated it.”

Rae had already seen it when it came out in the fall, being a huge fan of Marvel films—which he knew—but she didn’t say no to watching it again. At least it gave them something to do besides sit in awkward silence.

They didn’t usually have this much trouble making conversation, but perhaps it was difficult when all she could think about was putting their mouths together again.

They watched the film on his laptop, which was perched on the makeshift coffee table in front of them. It was probably not the best viewing experience, but she was distracted by his arm spread across the back of the sofa behind her. She kept accidentally bumping it with her head.

When the film was over, he rested his hand on her knee as he leaned forward to shut the laptop, but didn’t remove it when he sat back up.

“How are you feeling… about everything?” he asked, looking down at his hand on her knee.

“Fine,” she said.

“You aren’t upset and vulnerable?”

“No…” She found his line of questioning to be odd.

“So, if I kissed you right now, I wouldn’t be taking advantage of you?”

She laughed a little. “Of course not.”

“Do you… want me to kiss you right now?” he said.

“Last time you didn’t really give me a choice, did you? You just sort of went for it and I—”

He laid one on her, and she got a rush that she hadn’t felt from just a kiss in a while. It was new and exciting.

But she pushed him away when she heard the front door open.

His housemate walked in with some girl who Rae recognized but didn’t know by name.

“What… the… fuck?” he said. “Is this for real?”

“Go away,” said Charles.

“Are you seriously trying to bang Bessie?”

“Fuck off, Gavin!”

The prick and his girlfriend started laughing, but Charles held onto Rae’s hand firmly.

“Why are you even here?” he asked.

“I live here.”

“I thought you were going to a party.”

“We did go but it was lame—it’s Wednesday night, what did you expect? So we came back here. I didn’t realize we’d be interrupting you.” Charles’ housemate snickered again.

“I was just leaving,” Rae said as she stood up.

“Wait, Rae, you don’t have to leave just because—” Charles began.

“It’s fine,” she said. “I was about to go. I have classes in the morning.”

“I’ll walk you home.”

“It’s right next-door, I can manage.”

Charles got up and walked with her to the door anyway. “I’ll see you in tomorrow’s lecture?” he asked her.

“Yeah, I guess.”

He smiled and gave her a kiss goodnight—right in front of his judgmental housemate, which surprised her—before she left.

***

“Hey,” Charles said when he sat down next to Rae. He put his hand on hers and gave her a peck on the cheek, but she pulled her hand away. “What’s wrong?” he asked.

“I don’t do PDA,” she said, hiding her face in embarrassment.

“Oh, sorry,” he said. “But holding hands is like the mildest form of PDA ever. It hardly counts, right?”

Rae looked around to see if anyone was watching them, but nobody seemed to be paying them any attention. (Probably because Charles wasn’t as devastatingly gorgeous as Finn, she thought.) (Finn would have drawn attention just by being Finn.)

“All right,” she said, holding her hand palm side up under the table.

He smiled a little and took her hand in his.

They stopped holding hands only to take notes in their lecture, but resumed as soon as class was over, walking towards the bus stop together.

Rae let go, however, when she spotted Finn walking in their direction—he’d obviously seen them, though. But he didn’t stop and talk to them; he just kept walking past.

“Do you think I should go try talking to him?” Rae asked Charles.

“Nah,” he said. “Forget him.”


End file.
